Hung Up On Hangers
By Dave and Jaja

Duct tape has received much attention. There are books about duct tape, there are jokes about it, and I've heard there was even a TV show dedicated to these wide rolls of silver tape. What's so special about duct tape? Use it outside and the silver part peels off, leaving behind a stringy glob of dried-out glue. Very ugly, and not much use.

I'm sick of duct tape. When it comes to making temporary repairs I'm a metal coat hanger man. Always have been, always will be. Coat hangers are versatile, weather proof, and they are free. Although I've used a million of them, I have never bought a coat hanger in my life. Coat hangers are magic. If I need one all I do is open a closet door, anywhere in the world, and there they are, waiting to be used.

Unlike duct tape, which only comes in one color, coat hangers are gold, brown, white, black, and silver. They also come in a variety of weights: at the top of the scale are the thick, heavy gauge-wire hangers, rugged enough to support a suit of armor. At the bottom of the "hanger spectrum" are the thin-gauged types with a cardboard tube cross-member. The heavy gauge hangers are more difficult to manipulate without pliers, but they are handy when the magic closet is low on thin hangers. If you have to "steal" a hanger off a coat, you can double-up coats on the "heavy duty" types.

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For repairs that matter, a coat hanger is the superior choice. For example: holding up a Christmas tree. I've attempted to use "official" Christmas tree bases, the red and green painted metal stands with the thumbscrews, but the hole in the stand never seems large enough to house a Real Christmas Tree. This year I made a stand by dropping the tree into a large cooking pot. I enhanced the tree's vertical orientation by using coat hangers as guy wires between the stump and the pot's handles. (see illustration). Duct tape would not work in this situation. It would never survive the impact of a three year old trying to climb the tree, or Grampa Virgil grabbing the branches as he negotiates his way toward another Bourbon.

Duct tape enthusiasts are sure to point out that no tools are required for their sticky medium. It's true that coat hangers are easier to manipulate with pliers, but pliers are not mandatory. For example, you can "cut" hangers in half by bending them back and forth about 60 times. Outside on cold days you can even do it wearing gloves. Try ripping a strip of duct tape off the roll wearing gloves. Not very easy, is it? You probably wish you had a knife, or a pair of scissors. The worst thing about duct tape is that on cold days--and especially on wet days--it will not stick to anything. How useful is that?

Any backyard mechanic will understand that coat hangers are as vital to a car's emergency kit as the jack and spare tire. Have a loose tail pipe? Snip off a piece of coat hanger and wire it up. License plate hanging by a thread? Wire it on. Forget to bring rope to tie the Christmas tree to the roof rack? Wire it down.

When I was a kid I made paper maché boats by applying a floury glop over a skeletal framework made out of hangers.

Man is an inventor, a creator. Using coat hangers for repairs, or for crafts, utilizes the one thing that separates us from most other animals: The thumb. Any run-of-the-mill animal could rip off a piece of tape using its teeth and hooves. But use a coat hanger? Never. Coat hangers also require ingenuity, and a little engineering. After making a coat-hanger-repair, the challenged brain produces endorphins as a reward. Using a coat hanger makes you feel good.

Without a doubt, coat hanger-repairs demand a little more time, and a little more effort. They force me to slow down and view a situation in a structural light, not just superficially. Duct tape is what's wrong with society today. It's a fair-weather quick-fix that doesn't last. It's the easy way out.

I know that this essay is supposed to have a boating-oriented theme. It does! Coat hangers would be much more functional if they were made out of 316 stainless steel.

Next time: paper clips versus Scotch tape.